NEW YORK – In a move that has left media analysts scratching their heads and conspiracy theorists questioning the nature of reality itself, The Onion announced today the acquisition of Alex Jones’ Infowars. The satirical publication promises to maintain the platform’s core mission of disseminating misinformation, but with a crucial upgrade: a commitment to “substantially more accurate” falsehoods.
“For years, Infowars has operated on a shoestring budget, relying on cheap, low-resolution images and barely coherent ramblings,” said The Onion’s editor-in-chief, a shadowy figure known only as “Chad,” in a statement released via carrier pigeon. “We intend to leverage The Onion’s vast resources to elevate Infowars’ output to an entirely new level of meticulously crafted, yet completely fabricated, nonsense.”
Under The Onion’s stewardship, Infowars will undergo a complete overhaul. Expect sharper graphics, meticulously researched (and entirely false) documentaries featuring CGI lizard people, and a revamped website boasting interactive maps pinpointing the secret locations of deep-state pizza parlors. Jones himself will remain as a “creative consultant,” though his role will be limited to providing “inspiration” and occasionally shouting about chemtrails.
“We’re not just going to report fake news; we’re going to craft it,” Chad explained. “Think of it as…performance art. High-concept, absurdist performance art, fueled by an unlimited supply of green screen technology and questionable science.”
The transition is expected to be seamless, with Infowars listeners noticing only subtle improvements, such as the replacement of Jones’ usual shouting with a more refined, theatrical wail, and the introduction of a new Infowars jingle written by Grammy-award winning composer, who, ironically, turned out to be a fictional character entirely created by The Onion’s writing staff.
While some critics fear this acquisition will normalize the spread of disinformation, The Onion maintains its commitment to satire, insisting that the new Infowars will be so ludicrously over-the-top that its inherent absurdity will be self-evident. Whether or not this will be enough to combat the already-entrenched beliefs of Infowars’ devoted followers remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: the truth, whatever that is, is definitely still out there… somewhere. Probably.
